Island, the - Plan your escape... from the theatre!

Duration: 127min
Category: action
Available: On DVD
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Michael Bay, the director of Armageddon and Bad Boys 2, is a hack. And the piece of shite movie The Island proves it. Here are the top reasons that The Island proves Bay should never be allowed to direct another picture again.

1. The idea. Good Sci Fi is all about intriguing issues that make us question our own lives. Everything about The Island is retread. We have seen it all before. It rips off everything from Blade Runner to The Matrix to Brave New World but doesn’t add anything new. There isn’t an original thought here and even what is here is dumbed down. This is Sci Fi for the stupid. Maybe in the hands of a real director this could have been made into something but with someone like Bay at the helm it’s just shite.

2. The story. So many ridiculous things happen during The Island’s 127 minutes that your eyes are so busy rolling you might get dizzy. People survive a fall off a 30+ story building. Young and naive woman is able to smuggle a gun (hidden in her pants) into a high security facility. Security never questions suspicious people or wonders where missing keys go. I could go on and on with the ridiculousness but we would be here all week. Anyone who isn’t insulted by how stupid this movie is needs to study harder for the I.Q. test.

3. The acting. Bay looses even more points for taking Scarlet Johansen and Ewan McGregor and wrenching some of the lamest, half assed performances I have ever seen. There is one scene on a train where Scarlet is supposed to be frightened and she looks like she is trying hard to feign fear but can’t even muster boredom.

4. The dialogue/writing. You really won’t believe how awful the lines these poor actors have to read really are. Speaking of having to roll your eyes… Plus everyone figures everything out so quickly. McGregor witnesses a few confusing inconsistencies and suddenly understand every aspect of the villains’ evil plot.

5. The message. If there is anything interesting to be said about cloning and exploitation here it’s lost on the audience. The film never really gives you anything deeper than “clones are people too.” This film should be making us examine the way that the wealthiest on the planet (namely us) exploit the rest of the world for profit but no one comes out of this film discussing or thinking about anything remotely like that.

6. The action. Bay seems to be of the “if you can’t convince them, confuse them” school of shooting action sequences. So often, the camera work is so kinetic you can’t tell what’s happening to whom. He tries to make the film “gritty” but it only ends up looking shoddy.

7. The sexism/homophobia/racism. Just for laughs the film includes a joke at the expense of gays and another at the expense of women. The black characters are all football players and bounty hunters too while all the rich people seem to be white.

8. The boredom. I couldn’t stop looking at my watch. The film runs on far too long and I wanted to scream up at the screen for the film to be over.

9. The trailer. Okay, this might be a bit unfair but really you learn all the surprises in the trailer. This may not be Bay’s fault but it really takes away from an already lame ass film.

The only redeeming quality of this film is how amazingly gorgeous Scarlet is. What a remarkable beauty. If it wasn’t for having her to look at I may have pulled my eyes out to stop the torture that is The Island. Please, Michael Bay, I beg you, find another interest and stop inflicting your crap on movie goers around the world. Please.

Review By: Collin Smith

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